Swamp Donkies

There are few things worse than waking from an alcohol-induced coma, on an unfamiliar bed, with a bad mistake nestled on the crook of your arm. Regaining conciousness next to the textbook example of ugly is a rude awakening, and consolation is hard to come by when the pungent smell of last night’s naked-cardio session reigns over your senses. The guidelines below will not only coach you through tried-and-true escape tactics, but will also alleviate your feelings of repugnance and humility.
First and foremost, regulate your breathing and be dead quiet so as not to rouse the beast; Ideally, you would mentally map out your escape route before taking action, but chances are you have no recollection of what the outside of her room looks like.
So, your upper body is anchored to the mattress, and freeing your shoulder from the weight of that sleeping swamp-donkey’s head is challenging.  Your first objective involves a technique that has been dubbed by leading chubby-chase scholars: “the Ear-Steer“ .  Only a select few have mastered it(namely Rod Stewart and Jane Goodall).   
Pluck a few hair strands from your scalp and ever-so-gently tickle the inside of her exposed ear.  This works surprisingly well!  The swamp-donkey will recoil from the auricle irritation without waking up, freeing up enough personal space to drag your arm from under her neck.   
Once you have freed yourself from her post-sex embrace, find a bathroom or a laundry basket.  You’ll be needing a turban.  Wrap a towel around the old braincase, and pull the neck of your shirt over the bridge of your nose.  This will ensure that, as you leave the premises, your identity is concealed from any onlookers.  You never want to be connected to the scene of unsightly sex.
Now that you have disguised yourself as a terrorist, it is time for the well-anticipated stage of ‘get-the-fuck-out-of-here’.  As you leave, make sure to carry yourself in an unthreatening fashion, and wave affably at roomates, if any are present.  You don’t want to alarm anyone as you show yourself to the door.
Last but not least, come to fully accept the fact that you were a participant in a filthy display of drunken sex. You can deny it to those who ask, but never deny it to yourself.  Come to recognize that you a superficial asshole for judging past sexual partners by their physical appearance. Self-awareness is vital to psychological recovery.
 (published in Rough Draft)