Spring Break ‘09- Guantanamo Bay

Sure, Panama City is great for sexual conquests and drinking in the sun, but, do you really want to settle for every student’s default  spring break venue?  With Obama in office, it might be your last chance to hit up the Caribbean getaway that puts the ‘fuck yes’ back into ‘enemy combatant’.  
Situated on the southeastern edge of Cuba, Guantanamo Bay is a sub-tropical paradise with what a select and masochistic few might call a resort. I know what you’re thinking: Isn’t spring break supposed to be fun? I would answer, in turn: What’s not fun about being manhandled by Joint Task Force operatives?
If you start a blog that condemns capitalism and provides the names of enriched-uranium suppliers, you’ll have yourself a free ride to Guantanamo Bay in no time! Pretty soon, you’ll be bunking with religious zealots in a detention facility surrounded by palm trees and cool trade winds.
Initially, you may be shy around your new inmates. Fear not- the guards will employ The Abu Ghraib Technique to get you acclimated.  This technique has been praised as the most effective social exercise since the Name Game.  You’ll play with inmates’ goody nannies in interrogation chambers while being questioned about your affiliation with various terrorist networks (Handling a humiliated detainee’s hardware is a great way to get to know that person).
Once you’ve settled into the camp’s social atmosphere, you’ll get to team up with Ali Al-Bahlul in the prison yard volleyball games. You and the former director of Al-Qaeda’s PR campaign will  deliberate on a team name, and you’ll eventually have to settle for the “Jihad Giraffes” (He’s stuck on Islamic fundamentalism and you’re all about alliteration).
You’ll play against a September 11th conspirator (whose name I can’t begin to pronounce) and Salim Hamdan, a former chauffer for Osama bin Laden. Their team name will simply be: Boom!  They will attribute all of their volleyball losses to sleep deprivation and malnutrition.  You and Ali will respond by calling them impotent martyr-wannabes.  Ali will scream his hackneyed epigram: “Their plane must have gone Boom! before take off”. You and Ali will then execute your little chest bump routine and, together, you’ll march inside for your afternoon waterboarding sessions as proud champions.
For spring break ‘09, put aside swim trunks, beer bongs, and Constitutional rights. Kick it with confined terrorists, and feel the psychoactive effects of sleep deprivation and torture! Bridge the gap between heterosexual behavior and coerced homo-physical activity!  Guantanamo Bay welcomes you.  

 (published in Rough Draft)